What would it be like to win $1.2 million in Vegas?
Life-changing, yes, but for good or bad?
Adam & Danielle Silverstein, from the Marriage & Martinis Podcast, share how this windfall affected their marriage. They also share advice for other couples looking to communicate around finances in their relationship.
Marriage & Martinis: http://www.marriageandmartinis.com
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a book that has really helped our marriage. The concept may be simple, but it can be difficult to remember when you're in the midst of work, busy young parenting, and global pandemics.
When we do remember to love each other the way we like to be loved, our relationship truly grows. Nicole and I discuss what our love languages are and discuss our rocky path to finding how each of us likes to be loved.
The 5 Love Languages: https://amzn.to/2Y8rEmp
I tend to tell my wife everything ... but is that the right way to go?
My friends often tell me I'm TOO open with her. Nicole and I discuss that openness and try to determine "a line" where enough is enough with our honesty.
What do you think?
Do you think "living on a budget" feels like a life of restriction?
Nicole and I discuss our history with budgeting over our 10-year marriage. We share our feelings on the term "living on a budget", our pros and cons of budgeting, and our takeaways for couples considering their first budget.
Are you considering working with your spouse? Depending on how things are arranged, this could either be a great way to connect more or a complete disaster!
Nicole and I discuss the pros and cons of working together over the past year. We explore ways for our working relationship to improve so we can have a happy marriage too.
Holderness Family Interview: https://marriagekidsandmoney.com/podcast/holderness-family-everybody-fights/
Nicole and I have seen some tough days in our relationship. There's been yelling, name-calling, and even marriage counseling.
We’ve also had excellent days where we’ve felt appreciated, loved, and thrilled that we’ve chosen to be with each other. So the big question is … How do we get more excellent days in our marriages?
Our guests today have a concept that may make that a possibility for a lot of us. Kaley and Nate Klemp are the writers behind the newly released “The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship”
80/80 Marriage (Book): https://amzn.to/3e3NgFz
In a relationship, there can be certain things that bother us about our partners.
Should we try to change them? Or love them just the way they are?
Nicole and I discuss a recent marriage fight we had about this very topic. We share what the argument was and our thoughts on if you should change your spouse or not.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: https://amzn.to/2VtUtbw
Everybody Fights by Kim & Penn Holderness: https://amzn.to/36A2ca1
It's our 250th episode!
To commemorate this milestone, I decided to invite my parents, Cindy and Butch Hill, on the podcast.
We discuss the childhood lessons that shaped their lives and how our family came to be.
I hope these conversations encourage you to connect with your parents, learn more about your history and see how you can strengthen your family tree for years to come.
Will you be receiving money from the Child Tax Credit in 2021?
Based on our income this year, we will be receiving the tax credit and could be upwards of $500 per month starting in July.
Once again, Nicole and I completely disagree with what to do with this new money. We debate how we should use it and options for other families to figure out their plans for the stimulus money.
Advance Child Tax Credit Payments in 2021 (IRS): https://www.irs.gov/credits-deductions/advance-child-tax-credit-payments-in-2021
Child Tax Credit 2021 (USA Today): https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2021/05/03/child-tax-credit-2021-covid-payments-start-july-update/4893305001/
Love is in the air! But do opposites attract?
Nicole and I talk about our larger-than-normal tax refund and we both have VERY different views on what to do with the money. We over-analyze our differences with money and ponder about other differences and opposites in relationships.
Can these types of differences work in relationships over the long term?
We hash and out and decide.
Are you having more marriage fights lately?
Kim and Penn Holderness, of Holderness Family Productions, join us to discuss their new book "Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It?".
After more than a decade of being married and working together, Kim and Penn share how they embrace the marriage fights and the tactics they use to resolve them.
I'm lucky to have Nicole join me for the interview today too!
Wondering how your marriage roles lately?
Is it okay to change from your current station in marriage?
Perhaps you're ready to go back to work instead of being a stay-at-home parent or you're ready to take on more of the domestic duties.
Andy and Nicole discuss how their roles have changed throughout their 10-year marriage.
They share the pros and cons of working full-time and being a stay-at-home parent full-time.
What is your current role in marriage? Are you ready for a change?
Should the man always pay for dinner on dates?
What about dinners with friends? How do you handle that?
Nicole grew up in a different culture than Andy and they discuss how this "paying for dinner" situation has caused a lot of controversy in their marriage.
They review the pros and cons of being generous with paying the bill and if you might actually offend someone if you insist on paying.
What do you think?
Please leave us a voicemail at MarriageKidsandMoney.com/Voicemail or a note on Instagram at Instagram.com/andyhillmkm
Is there a difference between cheap and frugal?
Some see them as the same thing and others feel there is a big difference.
As per usual, Nicole and Andy disagree on the cheap vs. frugal discussion and they dive into it headfirst.
Where do you fall? Is cheap the same thing as frugal? Should there be a better word being discussed here?
Let us know at MarriageKidsandMoney.com/Voicemail or on social @AndyHillMKM
Can you be happily married and have separate bank accounts?
Nicole and I dive deep into the subject and analyze if this is something we could do in our relationship after 10 years of having one joint account.
Knowing how personal this topic can be, Nicole and I share three takeaways for couples to decide if this is right for them.
What do you think? Could you see having yours, mine and ours account in your relationship?
Let us know @AndyHillMKM on social!
Rachel Cruze joins me to answer a question from anonymous: "My husband wants separate bank accounts and I don't. What should I do?"
We discuss the options available to our anonymous friend including the importance of clear communication and even asking for support from a marriage counselor.
Rachel and I also discuss her thoughts on the Enneagram Test, how she differs in opinions from her Dad, Dave Ramsey and what she thinks of the FIRE Community.
During the second part of the episode, I throw out another MKM Challenge to reflect on 2020 and fight our instincts toward negativity.
Lastly, Zoey joins me for our very first "Money Quiz"!
Have you ever been passionate about something and your spouse doesn't share the same passion?
These differences can affect your relationship ...sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.
Nicole and Andy Hill discuss how these types of conflicts have affected their relationship in the past and how they have dealt with them.
When you're about to be married, money can sometimes be one of the last things you think about. Lawrence Gonzalez, the creator of The Neighborhood Finance Guy, shares the importance of making financial planning goals before marriage.
We also discuss not overdoing it with your goals as well. This delicate balance is something Lawrence is working on as someone who is about to be married.
Check out our interview and learn some important financial planning goals before marriage - they just may help you have a happy, healthy and wealthy marriage!
Do you think your spouse spends too much money? Financial Coach, Ericka Young, has some advice for you on how to resolve this marriage and money issue.
We discuss the following:
- Why it's important to learn about your spouse's history with money
- How budgeting together can help your financial situation
- Why compromise is key to marriage and money success
We've reached episode 200 of the podcast!!
On today's show, I am interviewing my son Calvin, my daughter Zoey and my wife Nicole. Every 50 episodes, I've done this as a way to remind myself and my family that they are the most important people in my life.
For episode 200, we're chatting about our crazy 2020 year so far. We touch on job changes, Coronavirus, and racism.
Couples financial counselor Adam Kol stops by to share smart strategies to end money fights and improve communication in your relationship.
One of the most important decisions anyone can make is who you choose to spend your life with. Marriage impacts us emotionally, socially, legally, financially, and in so many other ways.
While the divorce rate in America is dropping, so is the marriage rate. That means married couples understand marriage is important, we might not know exactly where to turn for good advice.
Today, I sat down with Kimberly Holmes, the CEO of Marriage Helper, to learn more about the reasons why marriages end and what couples can do to save them. Kimberly explores three broad categories of marriage trouble, details some of the warning signs, and outlines steps that we can take today to be better partners tomorrow.
You’ve probably heard it said that money ends marriages. You might have also heard of people divorcing because they didn’t get along. It turns out that those common explanations aren’t the biggest reasons why marriages end.
Kimberly says that research from the University of Washington shows that the main reasons that marriages end can be divided into three broad categories ... not feeling:
So where does money come into play?
Often times, financial issues are symptomatic of something bigger. When a couple divorces due to finances, they are not on the same page. As a result, that can often lead to one partner feeling continually disrespected.
That’s not to say that money can’t take a toll on someone’s marriage or relationship--it can and it does. In fact, financial problems are often symptomatic of a core issue--like a lack of respect--impacting the couple.
Often times, people treat the idea of liking someone and loving someone interchangeably. Other times, we might think of love as the next step after we already like someone. Not so, says Kimberly. There is a difference between like and love, and partners crave feeling both.
When you feel liked, you have the sense that your spouse wants to be around you and wants to interact with you on a daily basis. Kimberly says that there are ways to evaluate this in your own relationship.
Thinking about how you would answer these questions about your partner and then considering how they might answer should unlock more insight into what it means to feel liked in a marriage.
Love is more than day-to-day interaction and wanting to spend time with someone. That is why Kimberly is so quick to point out that feeling loved is different than feeling liked.
To feel loved is to feel that your partner puts you first. When we feel loved, we feel that our partner is selfless. They consider our needs before their own.
According to St. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory, there are three aspects to love:
A couple who is in love is committed to the relationship, even if things aren’t going well. There is a craving to be one, and there is a deep connection between partners.
People often give and believe incorrect advice: men need respect and women need love. Kimberly emphasizes just how inaccurate this is. She says that every human craves to be liked, loved, and respected in their relationship. Kimberly elaborates further, saying that respect is key, no matter the person.
Understanding how finances impact your marriage can help you also understand what it means to be respected in a marriage. For instance, if one person in the relationship wants to save 10% of their income and the other person chooses to spend differently regardless of their partner’s ambitions, this can be a sign of disrespect.
Couples don’t have to be in total alignment or agreement with every value and want; instead, it is important to think about how our words and actions complement our partner. Without this consideration, you can end up making your partner feel disrespected, which can start to erode your relationship.
Related Article: My Spouse Doesn't Want to Talk About Money. What do I do?
Every couple fights. Disagreements are part of life. But there are ways to avoid or minimize marriage problems.
As a married couple, it is vital to learn what is more important to your partner. Kimberly says couples often start out strong but then stall out.
Frequently, couples ask plenty of questions when they are dating and when they are engaged. However, once a couple gets married, it can almost feel like the final level of the relationship has been unlocked.
Kimberly says that for many couples, this is when they start to grow apart. They feel like they’ve already achieved what they wanted, so the conversations and the questions slow to a halt.
To remedy this, Kimberly suggests deliberately asking your partner one question each day. She also says not to worry about finding the “right” question. Instead, simply attempt to learn a little bit more about them.
Some possible questions include:
The point is to show your partner a continued interest in their life. Continually asking questions can help you grow that knowledge and interest over time.
In addition to getting to know your partner, take time to reveal more about yourself. For instance, let your partner know what you consider to be a sign of love and affection.
Of course, there are certain things--flowers, chocolate, or champagne--that people associate with symbols of love and caring. However, it’s really important to know your spouse and to let them know you. If you would much prefer a thoughtful note or a kind gesture over a dozen roses, communicate that. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.
In addition to communicating clearly, we need to be more intentional. Ask yourself what you know about your partner and what you don’t. Then, make it a point to start to fill in the gaps.
Kimberly suggests doing a quick self-assessment by asking three questions:
If you aren’t answering an immediate yes, don’t fret. One of the most crucial ways to build a stronger marriage is to identify where gaps exist. Kimberly says taking the time to complete this mental inventory provides an awareness of where to start.
Kimberly isn’t just speaking from a theoretical perspective. She knows firsthand how one experience can make it seem like you and your partner are on two totally different pages.
Kimberly recalls the moment she learned that her husband wanted to buy a car at auction. She says she wasn’t actually opposed to the idea of buying the car. The problem was that he had actually already placed a bid for $5,000. She had no idea.
In that moment, she knew she could respond one of two ways:
Even though she felt justified in her anger, she knew that by being angry and possibly even disrespectful, she would only perpetuate the issue. That is why she chose to focus on what she wanted to happen next time.
To her, it wasn’t about buying a truck. She wasn’t trying to question his wants; instead, she needed to communicate to her partner how important it was that she be looped into conversations and decisions, financial and otherwise.Kimberly Holmes and her family
When our busyness becomes overwhelming, that’s a recipe for disaster. Or it’s at least a recipe for arguments and strain on your relationship.
That’s why communication is crucial. In addition to having daily conversation and interaction with your partner, communicate to take the guesswork out of marriage. Speak up when your partner does something that you don’t like and make sure to tell them what you do like and value.
Additionally, Kimberly says speaking up at the right time can make all the difference. Sometimes, we can feel so attacked or hurt that we speak up out of anger. The problem is that type of communication is rarely productive. Conflict is rarely the emergency that we think it is. Addressing an issue outside of anger almost always yields better and more productive results.
It can be challenging at first, but once we learn to accept that we are not perfect spouses, we can commit to learning and growing alongside our partners.
Kimberly recommends asking yourself ...
These incremental strides will go a long way.
There’s no way around this. You have to make time for what really matters. Kimberly’s advice is to focus on how to de-scale your schedules.
To know what is truly important, ask yourself what matters right now. Then ask yourself what will matter in 5 years, 20 years or even 50 years. Chances are, your answer is centered on family, not the current project at work that is claiming all of your time or the four different travel sports leagues you signed your child up for.
You don’t have to eliminate everything; instead, make sure that you are carving time out for what really matters to you. Once you identify your priorities, focus on them.
Kimberly suggests literally blocking out time on a schedule. No matter what else you do to improve your marriage, Kimberly emphasizes that making time makes the biggest difference.
A key way to avoid marriage problems is to incorporate rituals into your relationship. The ritual does not have to be anything dramatic or over-the-top. Instead, it can simply be a way to underscore what you know about your partner.
For example, if you know they loved playing board games as a child, planning monthly game nights can be a fun throwback. If your partner grew up taking a road trip each summer, make it a point to plan some kind of travel together.
Related Interview: Why Date Night is So Important in Marriage
The point isn’t to recreate the past or live in it. Instead, you simply want to show your partner that you know them and that you value them.
Of course, communicating expectations is key here. It’s impossible for your partner to plan rituals if you never share what is meaningful to you. Finding a way to say what you need from your partner is important.
A marriage is always a work-in-progress. If you and your spouse are willing to continually put in the work to make each other feel liked, loved, and respected, you can avoid many of the challenges others face.
No spouse is perfect, and no one needs to be. Make a commitment today to reflect, think, and start speaking up. Investing in your marriage is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make.
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I’d love to hear from you!
If you’d like your question featured on the show, reach out and let me know. It would be my honor to support you in your journey toward financial freedom.
"The more time you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes."
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